“My wife is suffering and I cannot fix it.”

If this is your sentence tonight, you are not the first to say it — and you are not being told anything is wrong with your iman. The tradition wrote down, in detail, what a person does about exactly this: not the theory of it, the treatment of it. Named masters, named books, numbered steps, and how long each one takes.

Two rules before any practice, and they are the tradition’s rules, not ours. First: one practice at a time, kept for two weeks, before you consider a second — the rush is the problem, not the cure. Second: do the practice and leave the result alone. Do not take your own spiritual temperature afterwards; the checking is itself a turning away.

The practices the book sends you to

• When it is another person’s hardship, not yours An hour to visit, a fortnight of small jobs
  What you actually do when your wife, your mother or your friend is suffering and you cannot fix it. — Section 11 — Sabr and Hardship
• Making dua for someone else Two minutes a day
  Asking, out of his hearing, for the thing you would want in his place. — Section 8 — Dua
• The man who is gentle at home 15 min at the door
  The measure of your religion is the room you walk into at the end of the day. — Section 10 — Adab With People
• Serving without being seen Monthly + weekly
  One act of service a month that cannot be traced back to you. — Section 10 — Adab With People
• Complaining only to Allah 5–15 min, once a day
  Ya’qub’s rule: unlimited complaint upward, disciplined speech sideways. — Section 11 — Sabr and Hardship

Where the first one comes from

Bukhari narrates from Anas that at the death of his son Ibrahim the Prophet wept and said that the eye sheds tears and the heart grieves, and we say only what pleases our Lord. Abu Dawud and al-Tirmidhi narrate that when news of Ja’far’s death came, he instructed that food be prepared for Ja’far’s family, since something had come upon them that occupied them. Muslim narrates from Umm Salama that at a death he told those present to say only good, since the angels say amin to what they say. Al-Nawawi gathers the chapters on visiting the sick and consoling the bereaved in Riyad al-Salihin.

Other sentences

• “What happened to me has become who I am, and I cannot put it down.”
• “I am afraid of dying and I push the thought away.”
• “I have things unpaid and things unsaid, and I do not want to think about them.”